Never once did I fill my pocket with treats that it wasn’t with him in mind, never wanting to be caught without something that he liked when he walked up and offered me something that I liked.
He was the first one down for every feed, usually waiting for me at the back of the barn breezeway.
I could call him from anywhere and wherever he was he’d come.
He would walk with me from anywhere to anywhere at liberty.
In the evenings he would use the stubble on my chin to scratch his upper lip. I do love that.
He would offer up kisses. And hugs.
When I was loading hay into the Gator he always knew exactly when to back out of the hay shed to get out of my way. Without a word.
He would back up, side step, come forward, straight or at an angle, and move his butt in any direction, all without a touch. Just a point. A word. Often just a look.
He was the most polite, most willing, smartest, most dedicated, most amazing horse I ever hope to be bonded with. And bonded we were. Tighter than super glue. He could see into the depths of my soul with his big browns. And he always knew what I was thinking even before I knew it myself. He wasn’t my horse. He was my little brother.
He was my Cash.
Never once did I talk about relationships with our horses, or with any horses, that I wasn’t actually talking about him. He drove the agenda. And he is personally responsible for changing the lives of thousands of horses (and people) across the planet.
These are the first words I wrote in The Soul of a Horse:
Often, in the early evening, when the stresses of the day are weighing heavy, I pack it in and head out to the pasture. I’ll sit on my favorite rock, or just stand, with my shoulders slumped, head down, and wait. It’s never long before I feel the magical tickle of whiskers against my neck, or the elixir of warm breath across my ear, a restoring rub against my cheek. I have spoken their language and they have responded. And my problems have vanished. This book is written for everyone who has never experienced this miracle.
I wasn’t really talking about “they”. I was talking about one horse.
He made me happy. Every day. So very, very happy.
Then one day, not quite a week ago, he didn’t come in for breakfast. He was parked up the hill, unmovable because his left rear leg was very swollen, especially around the stifle area. The vet came out, gave him a couple of shots and got him down into the round pen. He had obviously had some kind of accident in the pasture, long enough before for the swelling to be really bad. I was out of town, driving in, arriving late that afternoon. I was given the medication drill and was told there didn’t seem to be any fracture, or tendon tear, so it would be good to walk him around the round pen.
Cash has always been the most accident prone horse in our family. I have never been able to balance that with his swift and sure-footed beauty.
The next day he seemed to be doing better. Moving around on his own but applying very little pressure on the injured leg. Which was beginning to wear down his good rear leg. Then the following day the swelling began to migrate down around his chest and abdomen. The prognosis was that there was internal bleeding. He lay down that morning and almost couldn’t get back up. Now two different vets were in agreement that something inside was probably broken and/or some muscles were torn causing the bleeding. He was confined to a very small place because he needed to not move around until the bleeding stabilized. I continued to ask what could have possibly happened? He could have fallen on his hip. He could have slipped and, in effect, done the splits. I suppose it’s possible that he could’ve been kicked but neither vet, nor I, believe that to have happened. There were no markings. And Cash knows who the kickers are and he stays well clear of them. Always. Kathleen and I have combed the pastures looking for clues. A fallen tree limb, any kind of place to get tangled and frightened. We found nothing.
By the fourth day the conclusion was that the internal bleeding had stabilized but he must not do any strenuous movement until there was some healing inside, for fear of restarting the bleeding. Throughout all of this his attitude was just simply beautiful. We moved our evening No Agenda Time into the side shed where he was residing. He smiled a lot, his way of asking for a treat. And he gave out kisses. By now the vets differed in what they thought had happened. One felt it was a bad trauma, probably a fracture, somewhere in the stifle area. The other believed he probably had a fracture in his pelvic region. But the swollen tissue eliminated the possibility of seeing anything on an xRay. Three ultra sounds were done but only confirmed the internal bleeding which withdrawing a sample had already confirmed. And his good rear leg was now swelling and getting weaker from supporting so much weight for so long. Yesterday morning (Thursday as I write this) at feeding time he tried to take a couple of steps backward, to reposition for his feed tub… and stumbled… and fell. And could not get up. He tried and tried. It freaked him out so, and I had no one to help. And no sedative. He re-opened the internal bleeding and in fifteen minutes he was gone.
Just like that.
I have yet to stop crying. My life will never be the same. Nor will Kathleen’s.
It’s so random. It wasn’t supposed to be his time. He is only 18. Healthy, hardy, with the best immune system of the bunch. We were supposed to grow old together.
In Todd Burpo’s wonderful book about his young son Colton’s visit to Heaven during a near-death experience, Colton tells us that Jesus was on a horse. That’s good to know, Colton. Thank you. He now has the most polite, amazing, smart, funny, connected, caring horse in the world, who can still see into the deepest parts of my soul.
For some reason I woke up yesterday morning with Garth Brooks’ The Dance in my head. I tried humming every other tune I could think of, but I couldn’t shake it. It wouldn’t go away. The last few lines are:
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss… the… dance
Yes, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. But the crying won’t stop.
I’ll be offline for a while.
Joe
Kathleen finally showed me a note she wrote about Cash last night. She writes as well as she photographs. Tears were pouring down her cheeks as she handed it to me. And now I’m sobbing again. It reads: “He’d be alive if we kept him in a stall. Letting him live freely meant that we understood the risk that letting him live as a horse should live would expose him to, the risks that horses have when living as they should. Would he have been Cash if we kept him in a stall? Would he have been so happy? Would he have been so curious? Would he have been so thankful for the opportunity to finally live freely? We gave him the choices he richly deserved and he took full appreciation of those choices and thanked us with his complete trust. We should certainly celebrate this profoundly complex relationship we have been honored to experience. There…I said it. – Kathleen”
Relationship First!
The most amazing thing happened with Cash on this day! It reminded me why we have been so obsessive about getting the relationship right with each of our horses before anything else. Even before training. I was so lucky to have a video camera handy. Watch how joyfully he comes from so far away.
Tributes to Cash
From Dawn Hubbard in California
Cash, more so than any human, lived a life larger than life. He will always be an icon, a hero, a gift from God, and he did what he was sent to do…change your life, as you did his, and ours. The pictures you and Kathleen shared brought him alive for us. We can never say thank you enough. He will find Malachi and nuzzle him and play with him and teach him “the ropes” of being a horse above all horses! He knew you were loving him and with him. He would want you to go on, and he will always be at your side, smiling for a treat. Just feel him! – Dawn Hubbard
From Helen Miller, UK, living in Italy
“There is a wave of shared grief and shock around the world. We loved Cash so much from afar. It was Cash and you I thought about in my round-pen, trying to learn with my horses, getting it wrong, them being bemused and kind, the moments when together we learned something small, the wonderful first moments of harmony when we got things right. It was Cash and you thought of when I scooped the DE into their bowls, Cash and you when I walked around the meadow examining my first-ever low-sugar meadow hay. It is like our leader, our spiritual guide vanished before I had time to realise I loved him and to thank him. Although of course I know he is still there. Cash lives on. Together both of you have touched and changed so many lives. You are touching them now and we are all changed by your extra special relationship. He will always be with you, and we are so lucky that you shared him with us. Candles have been lit in Italy for you and Cash today.” – Helen Miller
From Pam Rangel in Texas
I’m SO sorry, Joe. Cash touched countless hearts and made us better horse people. Thank you for sharing him with the world. There will never be another Cash. I’m comforted in knowing he is now pain-free and watching over you and his herd from heaven. Rest easy, Big Boy. You did your job well. Prayers to Kathleen and you Joe. Cash will always be in your soul. I have never seen a relationship quite like yours. You two were meant to conquer the world, and you did. He was an exceptional teacher and you as his interpreter. What a pair you two were! I know words can’t ease the pain in your heart, but you are not alone. Millions mourn with you. – Pam Rangel
From Nina Black Reid from Washington DC
My heart aches and hurts for you and Kathleen…and your beautiful, extraordinary Cash… I am so happy that I was able to meet him. He changed all of our lives, and the lives of so many horses. Cash was a gift from God. I will dream of him tonight. He is forever in our hearts…. Nina
From Beatrice Mete from Maryland
Please know that there are thousands of us out there that loved Cash right along with you. If it were not for Cash, you would never have touched me in the way you did. You would have not affected so many people’s lives and many horse’s lives as well! I hope that you are able to carry on the wonderful work you have done bettering the world for horses! – Beatrice Mete
From Bedlam Farm
To Cash – Well Done Lad. Your job was so very important. And you just did it so well.
From Susan Boyd from Florida
Cash is a beautiful soul and you brought him to life for me and so many others. My life and the way I care for my horses has changed because of Cash and what he brought into your life. Know that you are loved by many and Cash will live in my memory forever. Love from me and my herd who have all benefited because you and Cash met. – Susan Boyd
From Jane Ames in NY
There will never be another Cash, but there will be another horse – and another – and another. All who will need you just as much – maybe more. Until then, know that you and Kathleen are cared for and prayed for by so many people across the world – and rest in that – and allow us to “row the boat” for awhile.
From Anita Large
Cash touched the lives of many, mine included. Your book opened my life to a whole new world about horses… I loved reading about Cash. And was hoping to get to meet him one day, along with the rest of the herd. You’re in my prayers, Joe and Kathleen, at this difficult time.
From Michelle Elford from South Africa
The Soul of a Horse changed my life forever as did you and Cash.
From Susan Isherwood from Queensland, Australia
So sorry Joe Camp. This is the worst news. Your experiences with Cash have helped millions. He was indeed that one special horse for us all.
From Sandra Perkins
I am so sorry to hear about Cash, but I just want to remind you that he is now among the few documented horses that will live on forever in the experiences of others, because of you. Many horses and humans are happy now because of the experiences with Cash you have shared through your books and articles.
From Karen McCalpin from Carolla, NC
Your loss is felt and shared by the thousands who know Cash through you.
From Jane Antcliff from Sheffield UK
You made Cash immortal and his life and memory will continue forever more.
From Trish M
Our heartfelt prayers are with you, Kathleen, Caash, and your herd. You have all touched our lives in ways that are beyond expression…unless you look into the eyes of our horses…and then you know. Cash will live on forever in the lives and hearts of many. He is immortal, and, will continue to be an inspiration in the lives of so many humans and horses that there just aren’t words to express how far reaching. What you shared together, and, shared with all of us… even though we never met personally, I feel as though we have in spirit. Cash will walk with you always. His heart will go on and on.
From Geert Oostvogel from the UK
What a loss this must be for you. I have followed Cash, you and the others ever since I read The Soul of a Horse. It has contributed hugely to the lives of our two horses. And beyond. To how I experience my life. I cried. My deepest sympathy and my empathy in this terrible heart wrenching loss, during these difficult times.
From Diana M Moorehead
Please know that your work has touched the lives of many and your relationship with Cash stands as a testament to what can be achieved when open hearts meet open hearts. Bless you, may God’s peace envelope your heart.
From Yvonne Bishton
You did dance, you and Cash. Oh my did you both dance. A huge thank you to you and Cash – the soul of the horse – as my horses have a much better life. No shoes, no rugs, and living naturally, and I have a wonderful relationship with Lara and Arkle something that was the dream of a little girl over 50 years ago. Thanks to you, and Cash coming into your life, I have achieved my dream.
From Dorothe Doyle from NY
You immortalized Cash with your book and he will be missed around the world.
From Nicole Thompson
Much love and so much thought to you both, and to Cash who has brought so much to people around the world. What a gift of a horse.
From Laura Gifford
My heart is breaking for you. Please know that Cash helped you improve the lives of countless horses, including my own. God bless you and keep you and hold you in the palm of his hand.
From Rebecca Mortimer
Thank you Cash for everything you brought to owner and horse alike through your relationship with Joe and Kathleen. Thank you for inspiring your guardian to write about it all and to help thousands through that process. RIP fine fellow.
[…] the horse that first inspired this incredible book that has meant so much to so many tragically died in November 2014. But Cash’s spirit lives on as he transforms our relationship with our horses — and […]
I am joining you in your pain as I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my companion of 22 years on November 2. She was probably at least 30 since she was supposedly 8 when she came to me — that TB mare that was a freebie because she didn’t suit her owner. She suited me just fine as I must have suited her. Tonight when I got to the barn, I caught a glimpse of her in her grandson, and it took my breath away…and the tears start all over.
So sorry to hear about your loss of Cash. I know from experience how your heart has been shredded, but God never gives us anything that we can’t handle, though at the time we think why do we have to go thru this? What are we to learn from it? Let the tears flow. It’s good therapy. He’ll be sorely missed, but never forgotten.
A quick little story. My mare foaled at beautiful Palomino colt this last summer. I came up with a real fancy registered name for him, “Cascadian Chrome”, but I couldn’t seem to come up with a “stable name” for him. Nothing seemed to fit. He was so laid back and easy going, sensible, friendly, and actually wants to be with me. Sort of like your description of your Cash. Finally after a month, I decided on the name Cash. I wasn’t even thinking about your Cash, I was just trying to shorten Cascadian into something easy.
Something kept nagging me that I had heard of a horse with the name of Cash, but I couldn’t figure out where or which horse I had known or heard with that name. Suddenly, about a week ago, it dawned on me that it was you with a horse named Cash. I had no idea what had happened in November to your Cash until today. I just hadn’t kept up with the emails or blog.
I only hope that my little Cash will be able to hold a candle to your Cash. Hugs to you and Kathleen.
Through your book, Soul of a Horse, you and Cash introduced me to natural horse care and answered a silent prayer; humans can live in harmony with nature — why cant we treat our horses the same. Thank you Joe and Cash, your lesson continues to spread.
Blessings of peace and joy to you both
Dear Joe,
So very sorry for your deep loss. The void in your heart, the what if’s… the emptiness his departure leaves. It will be painful and your bond was so special. Cash was a lucky horse to be with you. He knew in his life that he was loved so much. You were able to touch him deeply, and he responded. That alone – was a gift – cut short by this tragic incident. I am very sorry for your loss, and hope your heart will heal. Best wishes, always.
I never met you or Cash but you both touched my heart from your words. Losing an animal is such a loss, it is difficult to find the right words. My husband and I finally have horses again after
many years. And we are in our senior years and I dread the day
we have to face your situation. God Bless you and your wife for
giving Cash and the others such a beautiful and loving life. Thank you for all the guidance and advice. RIP CASH. He lives on in your
heart and waits for you at the bridge. Paula
Dear Joe,
So sorry about my previous post, tried to correct my message. As I typed it somehow it got mixed with a condolence for me and my horse Wizard. Your blog will not accept my corrections.
But is should have said, please know that all of us whose lives have been touched by you and Cash pray for and love you.
Those of us who have lost a beautiful spirit such as Cash, understand your pain. And only in time will it be the gift of God to heal this.
With loving thoughts and kindest regards, Eileen&Wizard
Dear Joe, So sorry part of my message to you was mixed with a condolence for me. Let me try again,
No words could be
said to try and comfort you right now. All I can say to you
is how sorry I am for your loss. I know you will be
inconsolable for awhile. Just know you are loved by so many I along with all who have read your books and followed your blog
are praying for a comfort that is not humanly possible, but
one that God will gift you with.
With love, Eileen&Wizard
RIP Cash you are beautiful and in our hearts. Joe & Katherine my deepest sympathy. Such a loss and shame. Prayers to everyone from Boston.
R I P Cash, and thank you for for all the knowledge you have shared with us over the years….and for the love you so embodied.
Dear Joe, There are no words. Extending my heartfelt sorrow for your profound loss.
So many thanks to all of you for the reach-outs, the prayers, and love. He was such a presence. His absence has left a huge hole in the herd, and in our hearts. But I will remember always those last lines of the Garth Brooks song The Dance. Knowing that we would not give up the experience, the joy, the love in order to avoid the pain is actually something of a comfort. I cry, and I bellow, until someday it will stop, but I will live life and experience love knowing that there’s risk of pain. Because that is living. It just really hurts right now. Thanks again to all of you for all y’all have sent us. I love you all. – Joe
Cash brought your love for horses to us all. My wife and I were touched by this that we contacted you last year with a plead for guidance too a horse we saved from the market. With unselfish compassion you set time aside placing us in contact with two of your friends.Our guy now lives a happy pain free natural life in our herd. Cash knew your caring love. We are now all here for you, when you need us.
Our deepest sympathy and heartfelt prayers are with you, Kathleen and your herd. You have all touched our lives in ways that are beyond expression…unless you look into the eyes of our horses…and then you know. Cash will live on forever in the lives and hearts of many. He is immortal, and, will continue to be an inspiration in the lives of so many humans and horses that there just aren’t words to express how far reaching . What you shared together, and, shared with all of us….even though we never met personally, I feel as though we have in spirit.
Cash will walk with you always.
His heart will go on and on.
Trish, Eddie, Shiloh and Colours.
Dear Joe,
I am so sorry for the loss of your equine soulmate, Cash. My heart breaks for you & your family in knowing the sorrow that you are experiencing. Please also know that you are in my prayers & that Cash is protected & loved in heaven.
Sincerely,
Kim F.
Joe,
Words fail…
I wish you much strength with the loss of Cash, your soul mate. He lives on in another world and your strong relationship continues …. leaving behind good memories.
Best regards,
Hetty
So very sorry for your loss. May God comfort you in the loss of such a special friend.
Oh no, I’m so sorry. He was so awesome. You will see him again over “The Rainbow Bridge”
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE – Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When a horse dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run with the wind and enjoy the companionship of their own kind. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable; fear and worry free. All the horses who had been ill and old are restored to health and the vigor of youth. Those who were abused, hurt, or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we would want to remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The horses are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind, so long ago. In each mind there is a “someone” who was kind, gentle and loving. One someone who took the extra step, stayed the extra minute, reached out and touched with love, even once. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, galloping over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy nickering rings in your ears and a velvet muzzle nuzzles your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the big, trusting eyes of your special love and partner, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…. Author unknown..
Joe, I would like to express my deepest condolences. I didn’t know
Cash, but I felt like I did through your words, and what a beautiful soul he was. I just finished reading The Soul of a Horse a few weeks ago and you have inspired me greatly. I am also a newcomer to horses having adopted my first horse only 2 years ago. Thank you for your wonderful book and all that you do for the horses everywhere. I know you will be offline for awhile, but I just wanted to let you know how much your writing has meant to me and how much I enjoyed hearing about Cash. My husband and I will be keeping you, Kathleen, and your herd in our prayers.
Much love,
Andria
Oh no no no .. not Cash, not The Soul of a Horse ..
Joe, I am devastated for you. This is the saddest news. I am in tears too, for all of you.
I can only try and comfort you with a small event that confirms to me Cash still is the horse that guides us;
Yesterday evening, about 5.00 pm Italy time, I was walking up to feed Hoku and Hiro their evening hay and spend some time with them. I was clearing my mind of the day’s events, thinking about nothing but the falling dark night, the owls in the oaks and my beloved horses. Suddenly but softly out of the dusky shadows I felt a sense that something serious had happened to you. And that something had happened to one of your horses. It came from nowhere and there was a sense of void. I stood still and looked out towards the ocean and I thought, I must write to Joe tomorrow and check that all is well.
Cash lives on. He visited Italy yesterday evening. I know horses can communicate non-locally, but this is one of the strongest communications I have had. Together both of you have touched and changed so many lives. You are touching them now and we are all changed by your extra special relationship. He will always be with you, and we are so lucky that you shared him with us.
Candles have been lit in Italy for you and Cash today.
Sending love, Helen
I am so desperately sorry about Cash.
How absolutely beautiful! I’m so thankful that God gave you this beautiful boy, who trusted and loved you unconditionally. I’m so glad you were with him when his time came – he knew you would have gladly taken his place in that moment.
My heart is broken for you; I’m crying, too. It seems so unfair, and I pray that God has a reason for this.
Oh, no no no no. Dear Lord, help this kind, dear man. Fill his hurting heart with Your love, let him know his beloved Cash is safe and loved and with You, Lord, but will always be in his heart, always. Lord, let him know his beloved Cash is with his sweet little Malachi, running with the wind. Please, Lord, fill Joe’s heart with peace.
My heart just sank. I will keep you both in my prayers!!!!!
Hugs
Oh, no, I am so sorry for your loss! I am heartbroken reading your story.
Joe, this is heartbreaking news, I feel for you. We all dread this day. You will find solace and support in your other horses and of course Kathleen. I once read an article about how horses also mourn their dear departed ones. In this story, their horse friend who had died was buried in their field. Every day at the same time, they would all gather in a circle around his grave and stand there for an hour or so. As time went on the length of time gradually diminished, but it took several months. You may be able to join your horses in their grieving if you bury Cash in their pasture. Kindest wishes, be very kind to yourself now.
Dear Joe,
I can so relate to your loss. My Saddlebred was so much like Cash.
I would like to share a poem for your beloved Cash.
In Loving Memory of Cash
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my Heart.
Hugs, Marge
Joe , geezer to geezer , my heart breaks for you . May the gods and all the saints ease you gently thru this journey .
Brian
Oh, Joe! My heart breaks for you! I remember when you lost Malachi! I know you and Cash had a very special relationship. (I hope someday I have a relationship half as close and trusting!). I believe Cash and Malachi are running together in heaven waiting for you to join them.
I am lifting you and your family up in prayer. God is with you – especially at this time. I pray He brings you comfort and peace.
My love to you
Mylinda Ford
Oh, Joe, I am so sorry. There are so many platitudes to offer, but the bottom line is that words truly fail when a loss is as devastating as this one clearly is for you. I hope you can find comfort in the knowledge that thousands of horses are living better lives because of your beloved Cash…and that you will be together again. He is waiting for you. God Bless.
Joe & Kathleen:
My thoughts and prayers are with you – what a terrible loss. I am crying w/ you over Cash’s passing. This poem helped me w/ my grief when I lost my beloved equine companion Flash…..
Crossing the Bridge
I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying; you found it hard to sleep.
I whinnied to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you. I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I’m not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I put my head against you, nickered and said, “It’s me.”‘
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It’s possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away”.
You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew.
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll gallop across to greet you, and we’ll stand there side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there’s so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out…then come home to be with me.
Sweet Cash, run free and rest well. Joe, I am so sorry for you loss. I have lost many and it’s just about the most painful experience I’ve ever had. I feel that all my four legged companion’s are my teachers and when one passes on well, I do know how you feel. Great memories and his spirit will be with you forever.
So hard to believe… Cash…. R.I.P. I have read the book so many times…. bought it several times because I keep giving it away for people to live by your words. I recently had a similar incident but arrived home in time to see him go into shock. Everything turned out fine but I could only see the worst happening at that time. I feel so bad for you, Joe and Katherine! Please take all the time you need in this time of sorrow, we will all be here when you return. Thoughts and Prayers to everyone!